Yes I cried today. For the first time since making that fateful decision to leave my daughter for university south of the border, scared that she would forget who I was and what I meant to her, I cried. Ask me why I cried and I can't give you an answer. It's just one of those moments that everything seems overwhelming and nothing seems possible. For me these are rare occurrences; I'm a dreamer who believes anything is possible and nothing is out of reach.
And I don't want to stop. I don't want anyone asking me if I'm OK or if they can do anything to make me feel better. I don't want help, I don't want to feel better and NO everything not is OK.
I want to cry; let out all of these emotions that I would never let out publicly, let out this entire facade of pretending I'm in complete control of my life and everything and everyone in it. I want to let all of that go, uncontrollably, until I feel like stopping or until the hurt stops.
I had this conversation the other day and someone asked me my biggest fear. Without hesitation I answered "being average." I don't even know what that means right now. "Being average?" Maybe I mean failing. Maybe I mean not selling a million books. Maybe that means not having the courage to live my life exactly as I want without concern of how others will view my decisions or my actions.
I actually don't know; and I don't want to know.
All I want to do right now is cry until I feel like stopping or until the hurt stops.