Relationships are difficult; that’s no secret. They take time — quality time —, communication and an almost unwavering commitment. Somewhere in between all that, you need to find love, too. My relationships have been no different, and when I woke up the other morning, alone, to an open computer screen, I knew my relationship was over. The message was as clear as if she were right beside me, whispering every word into my ear.
Let Me Go. I don’t know how else to say it, but you really need to let me go. Time and time again we’ve come to this point; to this point I think we can never return. Yet here we are again — you breaking trust, me crying, you apologizing and me forgiving you, believing that this time everything will be OK.
It’s a cycle that I’m just as responsible for perpetuating as you are. You treat me like I allow you to treat me and I accept what I choose to accept. I let you back in conditionally, til we’re good again, and then those conditions vanish and you know it. You know it because you take advantage of that unconditional love, that undeserved trust that I have in you despite being disappointed again and again and again.
I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I feel fractured. This is not the girl you fell in love with; I am not the girl you fell in love with. I don’t recognize who this person is. You would tell me time after time during those first three months, when we didn’t go a day without seeing each other, that you loved me because I was strong, because I didn’t dwell on my insecurities, because I was motivated and ambitious and knew exactly what I wanted, and went for it.
Now I am none of those things.
This relationship has made me weak, dependent. You breaking trust has brought out all of my insecurities and now I never feel as if I’m good enough, or if I ever was. And that hurts so much. It hurts because you use to tell me that I was everything you ever wanted; God’s gift to you. I still have that text in my phone and look at it every time I feel like giving up on this relationship, like giving up on us.
But you know I’ll never do that so I’m asking you to let me go. Let me go, please. I’m not strong enough to push you out of my life; to make the first move and end what’s left of this relationship. I’m not strong enough to let you go so I’m telling you to let me go, free.
You say you love me more than anything; you say you want me to be happy and that I deserve every blessing I receive. Yet, you’ve wavered in your own commitment to me and to what we’ve built together. You are not the same man I fell in love with and it hurts to keep holding on to what we were or what we could be when all we are means nothing.
So I beg you, please, if you have any emotions at all, let me go.
I promise I’ll try to hold back my tears. I promise I’ll try not to call you the next day or two, asking if you still love me and giving suggestions on how I can change to make us work.
Nothing will make this work and so, you must let me go.
I hope reading this is the end. The last words you’ll ever hear from me. But this isn’t my choice. It’s up to you to let me go, to let me breathe that final sigh. Let this be my goodbye.