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Why You Need To Let Me Go

Relationships are difficult; that’s no secret. They take time — quality time —, communication and an almost unwavering commitment. Somewhere in between all that, you need to find love, too. My relationships have been no different, and when I woke up the other morning, alone, to an open computer screen, I knew my relationship was over. The message was as clear as if she were right beside me, whispering every word into my ear.

It read:

Let Me Go. I don’t know how else to say it, but you really need to let me go. Time and time again we’ve come to this point; to this point I think we can never return. Yet here we are again — you breaking trust, me crying, you apologizing and me forgiving you, believing that this time everything will be OK.

It’s a cycle that I’m just as responsible for perpetuating as you are. You treat me like I allow you to treat me and I accept what I choose to accept. I let you back in conditionally, til we’re good again, and then those conditions vanish and you know it. You know it because you take advantage of that unconditional love, that undeserved trust that I have in you despite being disappointed again and again and again.

I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I feel fractured. This is not the girl you fell in love with; I am not the girl you fell in love with. I don’t recognize who this person is. You would tell me time after time during those first three months, when we didn’t go a day without seeing each other, that you loved me because I was strong, because I didn’t dwell on my insecurities, because I was motivated and ambitious and knew exactly what I wanted, and went for it.

Now I am none of those things.

This relationship has made me weak, dependent. You breaking trust has brought out all of my insecurities and now I never feel as if I’m good enough, or if I ever was. And that hurts so much. It hurts because you use to tell me that I was everything you ever wanted; God’s gift to you. I still have that text in my phone and look at it every time I feel like giving up on this relationship, like giving up on us.

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But you know I’ll never do that so I’m asking you to let me go. Let me go, please. I’m not strong enough to push you out of my life; to make the first move and end what’s left of this relationship. I’m not strong enough to let you go so I’m telling you to let me go, free.

You say you love me more than anything; you say you want me to be happy and that I deserve every blessing I receive. Yet, you’ve wavered in your own commitment to me and to what we’ve built together. You are not the same man I fell in love with and it hurts to keep holding on to what we were or what we could be when all we are means nothing.

So I beg you, please, if you have any emotions at all, let me go.

I promise I’ll try to hold back my tears. I promise I’ll try not to call you the next day or two, asking if you still love me and giving suggestions on how I can change to make us work.

Nothing will make this work and so, you must let me go.

I hope reading this is the end. The last words you’ll ever hear from me. But this isn’t my choice. It’s up to you to let me go, to let me breathe that final sigh. Let this be my goodbye.

Words of Encouragement

Moment by moment…day by day…everything is coming together.   I’ve really been focusing on all the amazing events that have happened or are happening rather than looking ahead to all the things I still want to happen. Doing this has allowed me to be much more thankful and to actually recognize how amazing this journey has been.

If you haven’t had a chance, check out the “Words of Encouragement” tab on my site. I put three emails I received from readers of “Thoughts of a Fractured Soul” (minus their names). Although I had plenty to choose from, these three meant the most to me for different reasons, whether it was who it came from or what they actually said. One of the emails is from a young student who actually had a life changing moment after I did a reading at their school! I can’t tell you how amazing that feels to know my words have touched someone to that extent.

All of their words have been incredibly inspiring and one of the many reasons I continue to push forward on the journey with this novel. The “Words of Encouragement” tab also has a link to other public reviews and The “Media” tab has a positive review from Writers Digest.

Great things happen everyday, we just have to appreciate it.

Till next time….

Treats Only

I wish I could just pause time and capture these moments in some kind of memory jar that can be open at my request. Halloween is an odd time for my daughter. Living with me she’s an only child and would get anxiety at the thought of going door to door on her own asking for tricks or treats. We’d usually only make it to four or five houses before she would call it quits and we’d head back to our own home to give away candy to other young halloweeners. But this year was different. She’s twelve and now I wasn’t her only companion on these door to door excursions. Her best friend from school came by and together they laughed, ran, danced, and sang their way across the streets knocking on each door for what seemed like only a moment but was actually about an hour.

I was only a spectator this time, watching my previously withdrawn daughter nearing flamboyancy. What an incredible feeling to see just how much she’s grown in one short year. She’s become her own person and being a young father myself who knows what it’s like trying to find myself, she has made me more proud than she can ever imagine.

We ended the evening in classic fashion with hot chocolate and scary movies. It’s one of those moments I wish never ended. My personal Halloween treat.

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